I visited with Rafael today. It was our first official discussion about how we are going to divorce. Very emotional. A lot of crying. Exhausting. Productive. Sad. We ate dinner and shared a piece of cheesecake. I got a few things and then he took me home. I wanted to share this piece of art (again) not for its relation to the Mexican holiday, but as a symbol of the "death" of my marriage. It appears that I will not be allowed true happiness with anything for any length of time in my lifetime. Maybe next time around..... Rafael got a good view of how bad I am doing with mobility these days. The walker is my best friend these days, and I'm afraid to walk without it... even though I had 3 of my worst falls WITH it. In my head, I'm having a ping-pong match about how really worth it is to stick around in fucking miserable torture. One day I'm up for it, the next I'm not. Mom has been on my case and VERY negative for 2 days in a row which is not helping. She's running out of steam probably... I dont know how well I would handle watching my child's body deteriorate before my eyes. She's been having chest pressure as well. I finally convinced her to "let me experiment" on her and I gave her a Nitroglycerin. Chest pressure went away, but she's sure its not her heart. I've only been doing cardiac nursing for 15 years, so I guess I dont know what the fuck I'm talking about. Last year, her EKG and Treadmill were negative. So what. Gross tests provide gross answers. I guess she doesnt know how many lives I've saved in the hospital after a "normal" Stress Test and EKG. I want her to have a cath. She's already declined. Maybe John can have some input on this one. I'll call him tomorrow. I'll feel much better IF I'm wrong, then IF I turn out to be right.... and its too late. I wont even bother Kathie with this. She's probably too busy leafing through a sales catalog trying to figure out what set of china to buy for a dinner party...... Or averaging the last 5 years of Blake's touchdown scores. And Lisa? I wouldnt want to interfere with opening her 10th bottle of wine for the night celebrating how much she took her own Mother for a "fuck you and your golden years" ride. Definitely, I'll speak with John. At least the sanity factor is balanced out in this family somewhat. I'll stop there.
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