Tuesday was the pits

During the night, I fell really hard TWICE on the way to the bathroom. (31 and counting) One time was especially bad as my walker got caught on the rug. Next thing I know... my entire body slammed against the front door right smack dab into the artistic glass panes. I tried to catch myself, but then I slammed again into the glass panes and then slammed down on the floor. "Slam" is a very accurate word to use here, as again, it felt like I was in a car accident 3 times last night. I broke 12 of the panes in the front door, but I, my person, escaped any of that this time. What was so frustrating is that I usually can crawl to a chair or my bed and hoist myself up into a sitting position again. Not so, last night. I finally figured out that I COULD crawl to the stairway and hoist my butt up to the 2nd step.... which is a frequent resting place for me when those dang nerve attacks come on. Mom didnt hear a thing, and even if I had called out to her.... there wouldve been nothing to do. I had to do it somehow. And, last resort would be to call Rafael. He has enough on his plate right now then dealing with my crap, too. I wont go into how the rest of the day went, but nevertheless... it was miserable. I'll just stay in my room as much as possible. Realism is one thing. Constant negativity is another ball game, and it completely wears me out. In fact, I was so disgusted and frustrated by the end of the day.... I changed my mind again. I HAD a momentary/7-day lapse in clear judgement.... thinking I COULD BEAT THIS DISEASE and get ready for a 3rd kidney. After today, whats the fuckin' point? Something good needs to happen very soon in my Life, or I'm just not going to have the will to make it. The home health nurse comes tomorrow at 3pm to check my PICC line dressing, and then Rafael is picking me up for an evening at the house to talk. He called tonight. We both cried. I wish things were different. I'll always love him, and I want him at my side when I die.