Savior = Billy Graham

sav·ior /seyv-yer/ –noun 1. a person who saves, rescues, or delivers
I was watching a show about Billy Graham this evening, in which it chronicled his life, but it also centered around his proximity to presidential power since Truman. How does a human being, equipped with all his frailties, emerge from the sophisticated, jeopardous, and maligning world of politics unscathed from all its abuses thereunto? Who saved, rescued, and delivered the human savior of our time? What an amazing individual he is, having had the opportunity to preach to millions around the world about God. I want to share a Message by Billy Graham that I read this evening on his web site about death. You can read it in its entirety by using this link. See also “Ruth’s Hope for You” and Visit the Ruth Bell Graham memorial site. I wish I had been cognizant of the Crusades (events) he orchestrated. I probably wouldve gone. I just wasnt aware of anything other than my social, college, and work life, as did most young men and women my age when I was coming along. I was on the prowl for ways to enrich my Life with "moments that took my breath away." I found them in every category and in every phase I chanced upon. My choice to pursue a career in travel nursing, accelerated the frequency of spectacular encounters with people and places and things. Those "moments" were the catalyst for finally wanting a "breathtaking moment" with another. And, in walks Rafael Jordan one day... persistent, passionate, and inescapable. I instantly fell in love at age 34, and we were married within 42 days at the most private and intimate of ceremonies in Las Vegas on July 22, 2003 at around 1am on the strip, at The Little White Wedding Chapel. I've heard people say, "Love is pure joy," and it is, no doubt. This was a magical time for me, and it almost seemed like a scene out of a romance novel. The year 2003, for me, will forever be engrained in my mind as a close to perfect year and the best year of my life. Little did I know what bumpy road I was to be heading down with my husband. His cousin moved in with us 6 months later (sigh). Nice kid, but his brooding nature, low self-esteem, and negativity changed the fabric of our marital relationship. Its obvious to me now, that we never recovered from the intrusion. I never understood why his cousin's father didnt change the plans he had for his son knowing the change in Rafael's life. Selfishness? Stupidity? Just didnt care? But then again, Rafael never stood up for his own marriage and wife - another red flag I missed. He allowed it and supported it saying that it was a family promise he had made. I'm still shaking my head... Rafael also couldnt control himself around money, and our bills began to pile up. He made it virtually impossible for us to have a normal life. Our marriage was all about what Rafael wanted and when he wanted it. There was no denial of self for him, and I found it increasingly hard to believe that he was raised in Catholic school. At some point, the teachings of Christ rub off on you when you're in that type of environment. I think his heart captured it, but his mind didnt. He also was a substance abuser, and over the course of our marriage... I became one too, numbing myself from the reality of my own husband's actions. I can honestly say that I tried to uphold my wedding vows (we said them twice) till death do us part. Sacred promises to God dont mean anything to Rafael, and he bailed when things got rough for us due to the fruits of his labor and behavior. I also was not aware that he had already set his sights on a new female (she is referred to as "homewrecker slut" by members of their community and co-workers of his) who lives approx 10 houses down from our house we shared. That was the reason he kept telling me to "get out" for an entire month, alongside his major depressive/bipolar episode that had surfaced on April 15, 2006 when he told me he wanted a divorce. I spent a month getting him to a medical doctor, therapist, and finally to a psychiatrist - where he finally was diagnosed and put on medication. His depression, anxiety and agitation levels were out-of-control, and I started locking the guest bedroom door at night. I had moved myself there right away to give him some space. My personal safety was becoming more and more of a concern, and so the day before I started my new job at Emory Univ Hospital, I packed the essentials, and moved to Mom's temporarily. My first fall was May 15th, the very next day, walking down the long hospital hall on my way to orientation. I was already going through my heart being torn into a million pieces by someone whom I thought shared the same values I did when it comes to marriage and relationships, but what I didnt know was that I was about to embark on such a terrifying and physical/mental/emotional downward spiral that I had never experienced in all of my 37 years. 1 month after I began working for EUH, I was hospitalized and diagnosed with CIDP. Last summer, I got so sick with this neurological, autoimmune disease that I had to crawl on the floor like an animal to get around. I had lost so much muscle strength. It was almost impossible for me to stand up from a chair or the toilet seat, and my arms got stronger and stronger lifting my body up and down whenever I needed to be mobile. I've come a long way since last year, and I guess I am grateful for that. I am still disabled, and do not feel good 95% of the time. Quality of Life is poor, in my eyes. I am useless and without purpose. Why would God take a healer away from her duties? Why would God let a loving marriage be destroyed? Why would God allow my body to be ravaged once again? Why would God not help Rafael free himself of his past and mental ailments, so that he might be capabale of loving himself and therefore anoher? Why would his mother cut off communication with me when she knows I am the only person in his Life that figured out what was wrong with him and got him help, despite being verbally and emotionally abused by him? (She ought to hang her head in shame. Thats an awful display of her faith.) This world will never make sense to me. The only thing that does make sense is that it is, in fact, hell. Either that, or its a cruel, sadistic joke being played on billions of people. I am under the hard and fast impression that my Life sucks, and its always going to suck. As my doctor has said in the past, "Get over it, Amy." Wow, ok. Let me snap my fingers, and your wish is my command. I was once a savior.... a savior to my cardiac patients. Who's goin to save the savior now? I want my Life and body back. If thats not possible, I need for God to show that he does love me, and make it happen that I depart from this chaos and cage as soon as possible. I'm done with this place.