Christmas Angel & Cardinal - folk art

Christmas Angel & Cardinal - folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

This original art is going to be my Christmas card this year. I had them printed at Zazzle.com. This is the first time ever that I will have my art in greeting card format. I wish that I wouldve been able to have them in the mail by now, but as it seems, I am back in the hospital with a blood clot in my right arm. I'll be going home in a few days, if all goes well, and will be giving myself Heparin injections. Lovely. I hate needles. Susan, the 4west manager was kind enough to loan me a rolling computer for the night, and I've been able to get alot of emails and such done. 2007... hurry up and get here. I'd like to wake up from the nightmare that 2006 was.

Lighthouse by the Sea - ACEO folk art

Lighthouse by the Sea - ACEO folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

Just a quickie to all my FANS OUT THERE that I'm ok, just sleeping a lot. Will update soon... in the meantime - enjoy my latest ACEO folk art. It will go LIVE on ebay on Sunday in my store.

Update

sick of it
Originally uploaded by jodiemim.

I got home from the hospital this past Tuesday, and its been hellish ever since. I fell in the bathroom that evening and sprained my right foot. I had to go to outpatient physical therapy for whirlpool the next morning, and I was sick as a dang dog. They cancelled whirlpool, and sent me straight to the ER. Mom and I stayed there for 6.5 hours. Diagnosis was severe dehydration. I kept telling the doctors while I was in the hospital, but I guess no one listened. ER pumped me full of fluids and confirmed the right foot sprain. My right knee was ok. The next day, I stayed in bed for most of the day (Thurs) and pumped myself full of Gatorade and other fluids. I could barely get out of bed my blood pressure was so low. I did manage to fall again in the bathroom that morning, and I either sprained my left foot or broke it. Hurts like a bitch. Nancy just laughed when I told her saying, "As if you didnt have enough trouble walking." lol Finally, that evening , I started feeling better. I was able to make it to the clinic the next day, had my whirlpool, but they decided that outpatient wound clinic was the best route to heal my injuries. Saturday and Sunday (today) were a complete wash. I slept for most of the day both days. I feel better now. Its almost 2am now. So, I'm up to 42 falls since May. What a fun Life I lead. God, I promise not to try and make myself happy anymore because when I do go for things that fill my life with warmth... I just get knocked down again. I wish Grandma and Grandpa were still alive, as I know they would've done everything in their power to see that I was ok mentally and physically.... just like Mom has. They were not "hands off" kind of people. But, I think I'm wearing Mom out. Between what Lisa did to her, Kathie's undiagnosed status which would explain her behavior, and the attention I require.... she isnt having much fun during her golden years. The only consolation is how much money she'll get when I kick off. At least, it will right the wrong that Lisa did. I wish that crazy person had never come out of her womb. This picture says it all. I'm sick of everything.... If I go to bed now, I'll get 6.5 hours of sleep. After 2 full days of sleeping and resting, I dont know if I'll be able to. I'm wide awake now.

life

weep2b
Originally uploaded by uvw916.

everyone has the same ending to their story. and the point is?

per special request

Da Boyz Do Big - Hair, that is....
Originally uploaded by luvlymikimoto.

This photo is per special request in order to rid the front page of my blog of that dreadful picture of enormous, saggy boobs below. Dont look!!!! It could cause blindness or a stomachache. Now, gaze upon these doggie beauties of the standard poodle variety. One day.... a chocolate brown beauty queen poodle puppy will be calling me mama.

McDonalds-go large on Happy Meals

McDonalds-go large on Happy Meals
Originally uploaded by the family cat.

Found this on Flickr in a "family-friendly" area. I think I'm gonna throw up...

Today was a wash, as I overdid it yesterday. I napped off and on all day. My new port is leaking, and the Home Health nurse came out at 9pm to change the dressing. Its leaking again. All I wanted was just a day not to be bothered. It doesnt look like thats going to happen.

Finally out of the hospital!

Arroyo Seco, NM
Originally uploaded by reddirtrose.

Dr Durham finally let me out today with 10 more days of IV home antibiotics and 10 more days of silvadene leg wound dressing changes to my right leg. That was way too long to be holed up in the midst of 4 walls. My body is wearing out - no big surprise. It's only 10:45pm, and I'm already wiped up from the day. No belly aches tonight - thank God. IV nurse is coming out tomorrow.... does it ever end?

I found Pauline Stuckey!

687eff670c876d95923e6e50d865e674fz3
Originally uploaded by greydragonlynx.

Pauline is a Canadian artist whom I became enchanted with (her art) back in 2000. She is still on ebay, and here is one of her amazing pieces. Halloween will soon be here! Who know a red-headed witch would so flawless in a flowing pink dress! :)

Pink Flamingo - ACEO folk art

Pink Flamingo - ACEO folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

I finished another one today! This weekend I'll list both this one and the sassy blonde on eBay. I had a peck of medical-related phone calls to make this afternoon (3 hours worth), and so I was only able to complete a small piece of art before my nap. I've got so much healing to do.... all I want to do is sleep. I rather like this one.... the bright colors make me smile.

Blonde & a Red Chair - folk art

Blonde & a Red Chair - folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

I actually had enough energy to finish this self-portrait (in a sense) this afternoon. This is me back "in the day" at college. Me and my lttle black dresses! ... My wounds on both legs are healing and look much better than yesterday. Physical therapy will need to wait until next week, as I am still too weak. I cant tell you how wonderful it is to eat real food again.... Heaven on earth!

I found my doggie!

Springer in the park
Originally uploaded by Wuuf.

Finally.... I found a picture of my new chocolate brown standard poodle I will have some day. He's beautiful, eh? I want a girl, though, so I can have a litter of puppies. I cant have my own kids, so I might as well have poodle children. All I need is my own 1-story, 3-bedroom house with a flat, fenced-in backyard thats big enough for a pool, covered porch, sun patio, small greenhouse, and a garden. Thats not too much to hope and dream for, is it? Of course, I'll need to be able to walk properly again for that to become a reality.....

Rough Road: Another hospital stay

Rough Road
Originally uploaded by Avant Gardenias.

Early, early Sunday at around 5:00am I fell again. This time, I slashed my left lower leg on something. Mom usually doesnt hear me when I fall in the middle of the night, but this time she did. I didnt even know I had cut open my leg (didnt feel it) until Mom started commenting on how blood was everywhere. I looked down and there was adipose tissue coming out. No doubt we had to go to ER, and this time it was not going to be N. Fulton Reg. Hospital. The SJH MD had no problem sewing it up, and he wasnt impressed with the wound until he saw the wound on my right lower leg from falling a week or so ago...... He consulted my ID doctor, who happened to be on call for the weekend, and I was promptly admitted. They started antibiotics and consulted the wound care nurses and ordered a MRI. I finally got to see Dr Knowlton on Monday morning! What a sight for sore eyes. I've missed him! Turns out, that Sunday morning fall was a blessing in disguise. More later....

This might be long...

Angel 4.
Originally uploaded by Patrick Lavin.

I got home last Thursday from a 6 day hospital stay at St Joseph's with acute pancreatitis. I started feeling really bad Saturday evening, and so Mom went ahead and took me to the ER. I was so weak I could barely walk. The shit hit the fan as I was being triaged, and an unbearable pain came over my abdomen. I must've sounded like a grunting pig.... it was hard to breathe.... i was nauseated.... couldnt lay flat... my stomach was huge and bloated......the works. The MD came right away and did his thing.... they gave me medicine and oxygen, and finally the pain eased off a bit. When the labs came back, the MD came back and pressed on my upper abdomen right beneath my boob.... and it hurt! Bingo.... acute pancreatitis. VERY painful, and not something I want to feel ever again. I went back and forth between clear, fat-free liquids and a low fat diet. Every time I ate real food, I got the unbearable pain and diarrhea. What a big, fat mess. They finally said it was caused by the Imuran I had been taking for 12 years, but the only drug thats changed has been the steroids. (I personally think its that.) I also had about 40 lbs of excess fluid on me caused by the increased steroids. I had been trying to taper down, but every time I did I got those awful "nerve attacks." Dr Knowlton was out of town AGAIN, so Dr Gowda started Lasix. I lost 15 lbs overnight on one of the nights. I also had been told I couldnt get out of bed by myself. (did you just hear me sigh?) I wish I hadnt told them I had fallen 37 times since May 15th. So anyway... I was sent home on a fat-free liquid diet for a couple of MONTHS. How about you trying to eat jello, yogurt, pudding, ice cream, and cream of rice every day. Finally, I had enough. 3 days ago, I ate 5 grams of fat without pain. The next day I had 1 gram of fat. Today, the IVIG nurse (Betty) came and were discussing diet. I'm not getting any protein, and if I dont.... my muscles are going to start breaking down. So, Mom fixed low fat, sugar-free Frenchtoast (2 slices), and I think I went to Heaven during the 10 minutes I was savoring every bite - 6.5 grams of fat. I also ate a baked potato (fat-free). My abdomen became very bloated this evening with some "pancreas tenderness" so tomorrow will be all liquids with only 1 slice of french toast. I have been watching the Food Network on TV, and I dont know if its helping or hurting!! Tomorrow is day #2 of my 5th cycle of IVIG, and I think on Friday after IVIG my PICC line gets pulled. I'll know tomorrow when Betty comes. My new ID doctor (Dr Durham) is a card! He did all kinds of blood cultures and tests on me to make sure the PICC line was not a source of infection. His background is paramedic then RN then MD. He thinks we worked together on 5-west when I first got out of school. Definitely, he's seen it all.... and he's got the best bedside manner that rivals Dr Knowlton. I was blessed with excellent doctors this hospital stay - they were all fantastic! Zooming to today.... balance and muscle strength still are awful, and I am still dependent on the walker. I fell this morning (#37)... just lost my balance and fell on my butt. 5 months ago, I had a lot of padding back there, but I am losing weight steadily, and my booty still hurts from it. ........... The picture is from Flickr by a photograpger named Patrick Lavin. Its an angel from a cemetary, and I think she's so beautiful. Some photographers play around in photoshop and tint their photos blue or red, etc. This one is untouched and just stunning!

I'm Not In NYC

I'm Not In NYC
Originally uploaded by Rabbit Black.

Saw this on Flickr, and thought I would post it here. I will write and update my blog tomorrow. I needed a few days to recover from this past week.

Profile in Sun and Shadow

Profile in Sun and Shadow
Originally uploaded by photoartist3.

Oh my Lord..... now here's a whie standard I'm drooling over....

Thursday - day 2 of IVIG

Plezant en Kompel
Originally uploaded by poedelplezant.

I took 35mg of prednisone this morning, and NO nerve attacks! I think I'll stay on this for a week, and then try to go for 30mg. The nurse came at 9am and gave me the 2nd dose of my 4th cycle of IVIG. I had gone to bed at 2am the night before because I couldnt sleep, and then got up at 5:45am for the same reason. I dozed off and on during the 3.5 hours she was there. I was able to get my Flying Nun commission 1/2 done before the nurse arrived AND still had time for Cherrios! :) Mom took me to 2 art stores for paint in my new wheelchair. By the time we got home... I was completely wiped out. When we called the neurologist called last night, he said that IVIG messes up your electrolytes, and thats why people feel so bad during and after. Well, I dont need to join.... I'm a full-fledged member of that group already. ... And, on a much lighter note.... take a look at those beautiful standard poodles! I want 2 apricot standards, but these 2 dogs are just stunning!

close call

LONG HOT SUMMER
Originally uploaded by BIG CHIEF'S TRIBE.

As the day wore on into the evening, I found myself getting weaker and weaker. I usually am wiped out from IVIG, but never this bad. I was having to lay down on the floor to rest in order to crawl another 5 feet,.....trying to get to the bathroom. Finally, I got so weak that it felt like my life force was draining away. Mom called both doctors. The kidney doctor said to take 10mg of extra steroids (which we did right away). The neuro doc said for her to observe me and then "make the call" to go to the ER tonight or not. I started perking up during the 2nd phone call, and feeling much better. The more time passed, the better I felt. (The steroid) was kicking in. Whew... saved me the cost of a hospital visit. Tomorrow, I am splitting my 10mg pills into quarters, so I can taper even more slowly. Its the only way I know that will work. So, that was our sassy Wednesday night. I hope we have a really boring night on Thursday. Mom and I are long overdue for some peace and quiet and worry exemption.

just had to share this!

doggycreche
Originally uploaded by poedelplezant.

One day.... when I get my legs back.... I'm going to build a 1-story, 3-bedroom house, with a fenced in yard so I can have 2 apricot standard poodles. I found this picture on Flickr 2 nights ago, and I mustve started at it for 20 minutes just dreaming and drooling. These dogs are just beautiful!

more up and down

Monday I woke up feeling much better, but still with the excess fluid issue going on. Knowlton and Kiely are aware and have spoken at length with each other, but when they talk to me... they put it back off on the other doctor. My CREAT turned out to be 2.5 (yay!!!!) and they said the fluid retention was from the high dose steroids. I am to start tapering back down to my normal maintenance level, and they will try anoter immunosuppressant. Last time they did that, I got pneumonia. I have not been able to get down past 40mg of Prednisone due to those damn "nerve attacks." Yesterday, I dropped to 30mg, and they started back up again. I only have a few seconds warning, but if I'm near a chair and sit down fast enough, I can nip them in the bud. Its just when I'm going from place to place and they start... its a nightmare. I can handle the little ones, but when they get going full force... I feel like I'm going to be paralyzed, and then my next thought is... "I'm gonna die." I use the walker all the time now. I dont feel safe without it, as I've fallen 34 times since May 15th. I've got bruises everywhere, and a BIG, nasty bruise on my shin that hurts if you even glance at it. The home health nurse came today for the first of 3 days of IVIG, and as usual.... I am totally wiped out. Thursday and Friday will be repeats of today, and then it will take 4 to 5 days to start feeling better/recover from getting the drug. Mom has been a complete angel... taking care of every need and being so patient and loving. She took me Monday to obtain a wheelchair, so I was not housebound anymore. It was so nice just to be able to go to Walgreen's and shop by myself in the wheelchair, while she did her own shopping. Freedom is everything. I went too long without IVIG that it was getting almost impossible to move around, get out of chairs, etc... I have been doing a lot of crawling (like an animal) from place to placee. I am getting really good at figuring out ways to get myself around without calling for Mom every 2 seconds. Creativity is working in my favor here. Other than all that.... I'm really wanting a Maple Syrup or Vanilla Yankee candle for my room. I dont know why I'm on a Yankee Candle kick... maybe steroids dont just cause food cravings! :)

medical update - for Saturday

Country Girl - folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

I'm getting weaker and weaker in general by the day. I cannot go anywhere without the walker for the past week. Today was the worst its been so far. I'm moving at a snail's pace. Only fell once, and thats because my legs buckled and I slumped to the floor. (32 falls and counting since May 15th) Its getting hard to breathe normally, but I know I'm still behind the line in the sand. I doubled up on my Bumex yesterday and tonight in hopes that will help keep the excss fluid out of my lungs. So far, it has, but my feet, ankles, and legs look like tree trunks. Mom put a bedside commode in my room for tonight, so I wont subject myself to falling on the way to the bathroom tonnight. I had a long list of things to do today, but I was too weak and had zero energy except to sit up for a while and take naps in bed. If I can just make it till Monday, I could avoid an ER charge, and hopefully be a direct admit from home on Monday. My biggest fear is that they will go ahead and put me on dialysis. I'm not ready for that prison sentence yet. Crap. Would I ever be?

Weave art from Flickr

Weave
Originally uploaded by zunehmen.

How cool is that?!?!

Will you look at this??

Door to ohm
Originally uploaded by Jaxs22.

I found this on Flickr, and I just had to send it to my blog. I;m craving a trip out west, particularly northwestern, NM and northeastern, AZ. There are so many things I still havent seen yet! ....... I love all the warm tones of adobe and bright colors they use as accents everywhere you look. Very charming!

A Meeting with Rafael

Day of the Dead ACEO - Eternal Marriage
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

I visited with Rafael today. It was our first official discussion about how we are going to divorce. Very emotional. A lot of crying. Exhausting. Productive. Sad. We ate dinner and shared a piece of cheesecake. I got a few things and then he took me home. I wanted to share this piece of art (again) not for its relation to the Mexican holiday, but as a symbol of the "death" of my marriage. It appears that I will not be allowed true happiness with anything for any length of time in my lifetime. Maybe next time around..... Rafael got a good view of how bad I am doing with mobility these days. The walker is my best friend these days, and I'm afraid to walk without it... even though I had 3 of my worst falls WITH it. In my head, I'm having a ping-pong match about how really worth it is to stick around in fucking miserable torture. One day I'm up for it, the next I'm not. Mom has been on my case and VERY negative for 2 days in a row which is not helping. She's running out of steam probably... I dont know how well I would handle watching my child's body deteriorate before my eyes. She's been having chest pressure as well. I finally convinced her to "let me experiment" on her and I gave her a Nitroglycerin. Chest pressure went away, but she's sure its not her heart. I've only been doing cardiac nursing for 15 years, so I guess I dont know what the fuck I'm talking about. Last year, her EKG and Treadmill were negative. So what. Gross tests provide gross answers. I guess she doesnt know how many lives I've saved in the hospital after a "normal" Stress Test and EKG. I want her to have a cath. She's already declined. Maybe John can have some input on this one. I'll call him tomorrow. I'll feel much better IF I'm wrong, then IF I turn out to be right.... and its too late. I wont even bother Kathie with this. She's probably too busy leafing through a sales catalog trying to figure out what set of china to buy for a dinner party...... Or averaging the last 5 years of Blake's touchdown scores. And Lisa? I wouldnt want to interfere with opening her 10th bottle of wine for the night celebrating how much she took her own Mother for a "fuck you and your golden years" ride. Definitely, I'll speak with John. At least the sanity factor is balanced out in this family somewhat. I'll stop there.

Elementary School Teacher - folk art

Elementary School Teacher - folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

School is back in session. Rafael and Nancy are working with the same type kids this year - Behavioral Disorder (BD). I hope they can repair their friendship as soon as possible. In the meantime, this folk art piece was painted in tribute for all of the hard work teachers do for our nation's children. Available on eBay at the moment, but will be moved to Etsy.com this weekend. Enjoy!

Tuesday was the pits

During the night, I fell really hard TWICE on the way to the bathroom. (31 and counting) One time was especially bad as my walker got caught on the rug. Next thing I know... my entire body slammed against the front door right smack dab into the artistic glass panes. I tried to catch myself, but then I slammed again into the glass panes and then slammed down on the floor. "Slam" is a very accurate word to use here, as again, it felt like I was in a car accident 3 times last night. I broke 12 of the panes in the front door, but I, my person, escaped any of that this time. What was so frustrating is that I usually can crawl to a chair or my bed and hoist myself up into a sitting position again. Not so, last night. I finally figured out that I COULD crawl to the stairway and hoist my butt up to the 2nd step.... which is a frequent resting place for me when those dang nerve attacks come on. Mom didnt hear a thing, and even if I had called out to her.... there wouldve been nothing to do. I had to do it somehow. And, last resort would be to call Rafael. He has enough on his plate right now then dealing with my crap, too. I wont go into how the rest of the day went, but nevertheless... it was miserable. I'll just stay in my room as much as possible. Realism is one thing. Constant negativity is another ball game, and it completely wears me out. In fact, I was so disgusted and frustrated by the end of the day.... I changed my mind again. I HAD a momentary/7-day lapse in clear judgement.... thinking I COULD BEAT THIS DISEASE and get ready for a 3rd kidney. After today, whats the fuckin' point? Something good needs to happen very soon in my Life, or I'm just not going to have the will to make it. The home health nurse comes tomorrow at 3pm to check my PICC line dressing, and then Rafael is picking me up for an evening at the house to talk. He called tonight. We both cried. I wish things were different. I'll always love him, and I want him at my side when I die.

quick update to last post

Make that 29 falls. My legs gave out and I fell backwards. I hit my head, but it landed on carpet... thank God. I tried 4 times either get in the chair or bed and I just didnt have the mucsle strength. I called Mom who helped ink the chair. I dont know what I would do without her. She's a God-sent Angel.

Grandma Napping - folk art

Grandma Napping - folk art
Originally uploaded by folkartblonde.

An original (5x7) by Amy Jordan available on ebay as we speak! Catch her while you can!

playing blog catchup

Last week was a total wash... I didnt feel well at all, and I was having a hard time getting excess fluid out of my body. Also, the nurse came back to the house to give me more IVIG Wed, Thur, and Friday. She's SO nice, and she taught Mom how to flush my PICC line. We do great as a team, and I've decided to give Mom the honorary title of "RN" while she's flushing my line on a daily basis. :) The nurse comes back on Wed morning at 9am to teach Mom how to change the sterile dressing. Mom's been a 100% trooper throuigh all this, and I know she's going to do just fine. I think the doctor waited too long to give me more IVIG, as I'm not getting any better, but worse. Even though I refused in the beginning, the walker has become a daily part of my life now. Some days, I dont know what I would do
without,,,just getting around in the house.

Here's a little strory that happened this morning..... the night before, Mom and I started cooking a whole fryer chicken in the crockpot - which meant by 7am... I was to turn off the crock, let it cool down a bit, and then pick the meat off. (i've done it 100 times when I lived with Rafael.) Sooooo., I got the bright idea of
going to help Mom out with laundry. I'm on my very first transfer of wet towels to the dryer, and since I'm using the dryer door for support for my balance.... it swings out, therefore I swing with it, and I landed square on my butt on top of some scales. My whole bidy felt like I had been hit by a truck, but then again, thats how it feeels everytimg. That was fall #28 since May 15th. There was no way I could get up in the laundry or kitchen, so I overturned a bathroom rug, and crawled/inched my way to he den where Mom has a sturdy black computer chair. I was able to hoist myself on that to a sitting poisition.... rest a minute....after that.... I gave up on my ramdon chore of kindness,,,, and just picked the chicken instead.

I noticed today that since I didnt sleep well, and i also got up early.... my body went into shutdown mode, and I barely had anymuscle strength in my legs. This has happened before when I unpacked the 4 boxes brought over and we stored in my room. It took me 1/2 day, but THE NEXT DAY...I was a waste case. I've to get on a good seeping routine,,,otherisw I'm, going to always be dependent on someone. Thats just not me.

Also, I can tell that my depression is slowly lifting, and I can focus and concentrate a little better. My art, ebay, etsy, and joining FLICKR has been occupying my time. I moved my entire store to aution due to the cheap sale for store owers. I'vebeen checking everyday as my auctions end Wed night!!!

I have 3 commissios this week! I'm trying to get them all done by this weekend. Hopefully! Andrea's is 75% done. Ginny's is sketched out, and I'm starting the painting tomorrow. Beth's flower only has the back painted, and thats the one I need to go to Home Depot for. All of ebat and art money is going to pay Mom since she paid for the movers, and 20 million over things since came back to live her. I think she likes me being her, even though I've got a lof "safety" and "sleep" issues right now.

More later.... I'm so tired.... need sleep

hippity hop bus

hippity hop
Originally uploaded by radhapetal.

I found this flower power VW Vanagon on Flickr. This is perfection!! Especially it being in the desert...

Thursday

Mom took me for my Brain MRI to check and see if there are aliens running around inside my head, God, I hope not. I was having a difficult time walking from the visitor parking lot even with my arm over Mom;s shoulder, when this nice lady appeared and helped from the other side so I wouldnt fall. My feet were starting to drag, and I knew I was gonna hit the pavement had that Earth angel shown up when she did. After that, we went to the art supplies store to get 2 canvases for some commissions I've picked up this week. The employees were very helpful after noticing what my trouble was. Mom and I were dog tired when we got home. Even so, I finished 2 paintings, and have started on Andreas' commission for Kelsey's room. Cant wait to see how it turns out, and if she likes it! I'll post them later today. Gotta get ready to go for my PICC line at St Joseph's.

PICC line scheduled

Amber from Dr. Kiely's office called with a date for the PICC line. Its to be Friday at 12:30pm. Not sure when, Saturday or Monday, they will start the 3rd round of IVIG. I will know tomorrow. Thursday is my Brain MRI. Today, was another huge balance issue day. I felt like I was drunk trying to walk around all day. The "extreme fatigue" hit me hard as well again today. I keep saying to myself... "just finish 1 painting".... usually its too much effort. Although, I am really close on one of them. Andrea came over to visit on Monday. Nancy got back from her trip ok, along with a tattoo. Rafael called tonight, and sounds super depressed. Thats hard for me to hear time after time. My feet and ankles are VERY swollen. I wonder when my lungs will start to fill up. Congestive heart failure around the bend? That would suck because of the panic and anxiety, but then again... a faster way out then previously thought out. Ebay and Etsy are sucking wind this week. I've really got to force myself to paint, whether I feel good or not. It's the only way I'll be able to pay my bills for now. Mom just felt my forehead, and i have a fever. I was wondering it was so freaking hot in the house. Maybe thats why I've been feeling so bad all day, too. I feel bad every day, so how am I supposed to notice?

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?… I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired.”
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

more nerve attacks yesterday

Yesterday was the absolute pits. It didnt matter what position I was in, those damn nerve attacks were constant. Totally wiped me out. Falls # 15 and 16 to add to the list. Mom helped tremendously by massaging my arms and the back of my neck. The doctor at Emory said to send another "nerve message" higher than the pain on my spine, so my brain would focus on that instead of the nerve attack pain. It works after a few seconds or so. Brilliant idea! At 11:45p, after the 16th fall (I hurt my hand bamming into the baseboard), I got the bright idea of taking a whopping does of steroids, and lo and behold... today I can move around and NO nerve attacks thus far! God, what a relief. I feel so much better today, and I actually feel like doing SOMETHING... anything. Now that the downstairs A/C is humming along, we are human again. Its the little things in Life...

new Xmas art

My popup thingie is busted, so I'll just add this new art via the manual way. She's called, Sexy Santa Girl!

today

At 6am this morning, I got up to go the bathroom. When I was stumbling back, my eyes saw the spinning fan, and I pitched headfirst onto the carpet again. Fall #14. No injuries, as I'm learning not to break my fall so I wont break anything. The A/C is still out, but the man is coming tomorrow to install 2 new units upstairs and downstairs. How do you spell relief? Rafael FAXed my S/T dsiability form today (takes 5 days to process), and mailed all of my sold artwork out from ebay. Thank God for him. I wasnt sure how I was going to get the FAX inside the store, much less actually WALK inside the post office. Jodi turned me onto online USPS services, so I need to do that for next week. Its just too much for me to handle... simple little errands like that... and not fall flat on my face. Dr Kiely and Dr Knowlton both get back from vacation on Monday, so I'm hoping to get more IVIG scheduled then. Its been almost a month without that medicine, and I'm steadily declining. My ankles are very swollen. Its just a matter of time now. I really need to get my affairs in order before I may not be able to in the near future. I've tried twice to upload pictures through Blogger, but its not working for some reason. I have more new art, but you'll just have to catch it on ebay in my store for now. Computers!

ooops!

I just tried to make my way in the dark to get water just now, and I fell and hurt my right foot. #13. I couldnt find the dang light switch, especially with my head swimming around,trying to walk, and keep my balance all at the same time. I cant sleeep... its so dang hot in this house.

it's all relative

This morning I woke up too extreme problems with my balance again, as well steadily declining muscle strength in my legs. The good news is that the new medicine the doctor put me on made it so I did not have a nerve attack for the first time in a month! What a relief! They really wipe me out. The air conditioning is out right in the middle of this blazing Eastern seaboard heat wave, and the workmen cant replace the 2 units until next week. We are suffering! I was able to get enough energy to shower and drive over to John & Jodi's for another afternoon painting session. Its so lively and happy over there, and I had a ball painting and visiting. It made my day to be able to get out of the house for awhile. The kids are adorable, and J & J are always fun to be around. It was a little scary driving over there, as my eyes are still "wobbly in my head." I asked J & J if they noticed, and they couldnt tell. I can though, and thats the problem. Maybe an eye nerve is being affected? I have a Brain MRI scheduled for August 10th, so I will know more then. I stayed 4 hours, and I thought I had better leave before I got overly tired. I didnt realize how tired I was until I got home, and tried to walk inside. I had to call Mom from inside to help me.... otherwise my legs were going to give out. It's better now since I've been resting. No falls today, but the count sits at 12 so far since June. I finished a new piece of art while I was over there! Its already listed on ebay, and I'm headed over to Flickr in a bit to upload it there. I'm addicted to Flickr! I've met some really nice people, especially other artists, from all over the world and nation.

another bad day

I spent the day in bed as every time I stood up, I was dizzy and had no muscle strength in my legs. Mom brought food to my bed, and helped me to the bathroom until it eased off a bit this evening. She also got my medicine, so I am hoping not to have anymore nerve attacks tonight as last night. They were not as severe as what brought me to the hospital, but enough to put me to the floor each time. I need more IVIG. I dont know if my body is going to make it through this one...

bad day

My kidney function number (creatinine) is up to 3.0, and I feel like its time to start planning and thinking seriuously about my future medical course of action. Hospice and a morphine drip seems in order, as I do not want to be a non-functional invalid the rest of my life. I have no real quality of life anymore. My balance has been horrible all day, and i am 100% discouraged. I wish I could start the end-of-life process today, as I'm just so tired of all of this. My plan is to withdraw from most everyone.... no one will notice anyway... and just slip away. Sounds pretty peaceful to me.

Trip back to St Joe's via ambulance

As interesting a day last Thursday was for me.... this past Friday was a doozy. I woke up to shooting, incapacitating nerve pains throughout my entire body on Friday morning every time I got out of bed. I made it to the bathroom (just in time) but then the nerve pains got so bad I had to ease myself down to the bathroom floor. Mom called Rafael, and he got me off the floor and back into bed. Several hours later, I tried to do it again, and only made it to the stairs before I had to sit down. The pains, again, were so bad that I eased myself to the floor. I felt like I was going to be paralyzed. On a scale of 1-10, the pain was a 15. Mom called 911, and the fire department showed up first, and then the ambulance came and took me to St. Joseph's. I spent 3 days in there getting high dose steroids, and I have had only 1 minor "nerve" episode since.... that was this morning. BUT... nowhere as near as bad as last Thursday and Friday. More medicines have been added to the pharmacy I already take in order to calm these hellish experieces down. Its the most terrifying thing to go through, and I hope they dont come on again. I only get a few seconds warning before it hits. I cant imagine what I would do if I was out in public... I'll be a crying/raving/emotional basketcase for the next week again while I taper the steroids back to my normal dose. Thats a nightmare in itself. Trying not to be sarcastic here, but according to certain family members... "I"ve been through this before, and it should all be a piece of cake, right?" Wrong.

2nd opinion at Emory Hospital

Mom drove me down to Emory this morning, and it will be a morning I will never forget. She parked the car in the deck, and we tried twice to start walking the distance to the elevators. I was not feeling well, and so each time we got back in the car to rest a bit. She drove closer to the elevators, and was going to let me out while she parked again. Well, all of a sudden... this nerve attack hit me over my entire body. It was so severe that I thought I was about to be paralyzed, and my next thought was that I was about to die. I was holding onto a concrete wall, trying not to fall, when there appeared a voice in my ear and an arm around my waist. I was crying and trembling and shaking, and I could barely walk. The young man helped me walk to the car, and all the while, he kept repeating in my ear... "You're ok. I've got you. I wont let you fall. I'm right here." He was an angel sent from God. That was the worst attack so far since these symptoms started. Finally, we got the bright idea to valet park, and Mom was able to score a wheelchair. The doctor spent an hour with me. He agreed with everything Dr Kiely has been doing thus far. This guy is a long-time professor at the university, and he was so helpful and informative. He said not to worry about the "attacks" I've been having, as its just the nerves talking to me. It means they are irritated. Rafael and I have been thinking it was a bad thing, so at least that was clarified. I was so tired when I got home that I took a huge nap. Had to cancel dinner plans with Rafael and his Mom. My phone has not been working this evening, so I'm hoping to see them tomorrow before she leaves town. I miss her, as much as I miss her son.

eye doctor day

Mom drove me to a special neuro-eye doctor this morning to see about my eyes being "all wobbly in my head." He seemed perplexed, and wants to do blood work and a brain MRI to check out a few things. I had only a few hours of sleep last night, so I napped the rest of the day away. Tomorrow morning I have a 2nd opinion appointment with Emory Univ Hospital for my CIDP diagnosis. Dr Kiely wants the approval of academia, and so we are off again at the crack of dawn for another trip downtown. I wish Rafael was taking me. It seems he really calms me when I'm at the doctors. I cant ask him to be there for me for everything though, especially when he wants his own Life now without me. I need to call him, as I just found out his Mom DID come to town. I will tomorrow.... after the appointment. For now, I've got to get some sleep. I'm just exhausted.

another sleepless night....

...at least, this night I'm not crying my eyes out. I'm doing really well on ebay this week. Yay! My walking was much improved this morning, but then all hell broke loose in the afternoon... and my balance went to hell in a handbasket. I fell for the 10th time. At least, this time, it was on carpet. No injuries. I havent had the shooting nerve pains from my feet to my torso in a few days, so thats a good sign. am i improving? i think the doctor is right. the progression of the disease has halted. Now, we're just waiting for healing to take place. I'm in limbo again for the 2nd time this year.... how much crap is God going to throw my way this year?

new art

Here is BoBo the Black Christmas Cat! The latest in the the BoBo series (3rd piece). He's so cute that I'm thinking of turning him into a children's book. He's on auction right now on ebay, so catch him while you can!!

i cant sleep

It's 3am, and I've been crying every time I lay my head on the pillow to go to sleep. Rafael picked me up at noon yesterday, and we went to lunch. He helped me walk everywhere which was great. I do much better if I dont have to focus on walking and balance at the same time. It still is a great effort to get anywhere. We had a good conversation, and a lot was said that was new. Productive... We made it in time for the doctor's appointment. Rafael was SO helpful and loving and caring. He really came through for me at that appointment. I was a bundle of nerves about what the doctor was going to say, and had it not been for him being there... I would have left that office without my needs being met. Dr Kiely said since I didnt respond that well to the 2 IVIG treatments, I'm probably going to always "know" I have CIDP. He feels that the progression has been arrested, and now we have to wait and see how well the nerves are going to heal. He is trying to get me and keep me functional, instead of winding up bedridden. I dont know yet if I will be able to return to work. I have to wait another 2 weeks to see if I continue to improve before he tries the next round of treatment which is high dose IV steroids. If they do that, he is sending me for a PICC line beforehand. - I had the feeling back in February with my leg wound that "this was the beginning of the end."

my marriage

My marriage is officially over. Rafael came over today..... its our 3-year anniversary.... and he said his decision is final. There's no room for making it work. He doesnt have a clue. I sat there and listened to him speak for 1/2 an hour as to why.... there is no why. He's a lost soul. I still and will always love him... I've lost my faith in people in general. How can someone make a promise to God, and just walk away from everything? I never stood a chance in this marriage. He never loved me in a true sense. I was living in a dream world. All of my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. My spark is gone...... especially due to this CIDP crap. There's nothing left for me. I am just killing time....

new cat art

Here's a new piece of art that I drew back in April when I was in orientation at Kennestone. I finally finished it! Just like me to take my time with everything.... Its available on ebay in my store!

slept again

I slept again all day again. This fatigue is overwhelming.... All I feel like I wanna do is sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I dont feel very purposeful.... this just isnt gonna fly.

wiped out

I drove to John & Jodi's house yesterday afternoon to paint with Jodi. It was so nice to do that with her again, and it brought back memories of our many late, late nights we stayed up painting at their old house. I only lasted 4 hours, as it just wiped my energy out. I have slept all day today trying to recover. They werent kidding when they said extreme fatigue is part of this CIDP crap. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I see the doctor this coming Monday, and Rafael is taking me.

getting deparate

I'm running out of time and money from my last paycheck from my job, and i wont be able to cover my bills at the end of this month. the doctor, like oncologists, seems to be so optimistic that this conditon will get better. well, after 2 months, nothing has changed, and i'm still not able to take care of myself properly, much less hold a job at htis point. I know they say... God will provide.... but I dont see money falling from the sky in order to help me. I dont have a clue what i'll do... or a plan for that matter.

and they wonder why...

Since last night, every time I stand up... I get shooting nerve pains from my feet up into my torso. It feels like I'm about to be paralyzed for the minute or so that it lasts.... and then it subsides when I lay down or sit in a chair. I am down to 15mg of Prednisone for the next couple of days before I go back to my regular dose of 10mg. Something isnt working right, and it feels like the disease has not stopped the progression of nerve damage, based on my continued symptoms. If it doesnt subside by tomorrow night, Dr Kiely's office will be getting another phone call on Monday morning. When the attack occurs, it almost renders me powerless over my own body. Its a terrifying feeling. I also learned today that my eldest sister.... in another angry phone call, several weeks ago, to my mother where she hung up on her for the millionth time.... told her that my "conditon" wasnt "all that bad", and that I "was faking it." I wonder how she got that notion since she hasnt even called or been around to see for her own eyes whats been going on. People just amaze me. That is one of the most stupid and hateful comments I've ever heard come out of her mouth in a long time (there's been plenty). I do know this. She had better watch what she says, as words are powerful. The universe has a funny way of making someone learn empathy and compassion for others the hard way... especially when they are completely clueless. I have lost my faith in others. I've lost my spark. I'm just killing time until I can get out of here and go home. Thank God for my Mother.... She is the sole reason why I'm still here. Although I am wondering daily why I still am...

Another fall....

I fell again today for the 7th time since this whole thing started. Luckily, Mom was near, and she helped me up off the ground. I dont go again to the neurologist until July 24th.... if I need more IVIG, they will have to put a central line in. I dont have any veins left to stick, as they are all worn out from the 2 previous treatments.

Recovery from IVIG

Today was Day #1 post-IVIG, and I slept half the day away. The nurse reused the IV needle on the last day, and both my arms are swollen and bruised and feel infected. She stuck me a total of about 8 or 9 times over the 5 days of home infusion. I'm worn out, and dont have much energy to do anything. I have noticed my balance is better. The strength in my legs is a tad better, but nowhere I need to be for fully functional purposes. My feet are still numb, and I continue to slap my feet when I walk at a crawl pace. I need a few more weeks in order to get back on my feet before I go back to work (if I can). I'm hoping my manager will give me the time, so I wont have to reapply in the future. I need to keep the faith that I will overcome this disability...

The Nurse & the Elders

Shirley, the home health nurse, came to the house yesterday to infuse the IVIG. She had to stick me 4 times to find an IV suitable. Thank God it lasted the whole treatment, but its starting to feel tender this morning so I dont think it will be good enough for 4 hours today. There arent any veins left to stick.... am I headed for a central line? Yesterday was nice in the sense that while I slept during the infusion.... Shirley, Mom, and Nancy had a tea party. It made the time go much faster. ....... Nancy took me to the laying on of hands at the church that morning. It was the first time I felt a sense of peace about this nerve condition. We boo-hoo'ed the whole time. The 2 elders were so nice, and afterwards they both helped me walk out to the car. My legs were about to give out, and I was so wobbly from the long walk. I'm really hoping this round works.

2nd day of IVIG

I slept another 4 hours while the medicine infused. IVIG is very venutoxic, and so my IV lasted only through the 2nd dose. I was able to take a really good shower when I got home because it was out. The nurse comes at 1pm to the house tomorrow. Nancy and I are going to the church tomorrow for a healing session with the elders. ... I dont have my own place anymore, so there is no need to keep any of my own folk art up on the walls in the "gallery." I will be listing pieces that were near and dear to me on ebay. I'm sad t0 see them go, but out with the old and in with the new... as they say. Here's one I listed today.

2nd round of IVIG

Mom drove me down to the infusion suite today to start my 2nd round of IVIG. They did not have nursing coverage for today and tomorrow, so home infusion will begin Sat, Sun, and Monday. I had to take a premed of Tylenol and benadryl, so I was zonked the entire time and slept through most of the infusion. It lasted 4 hours, while it was 6 hours when I was in the hospital. (different strength) We have to be there at 9:30am in the morning. Saturday, my friend Nancy, scheduled a "laying on of hands" at a church where the elders pray over you and anoint you with oil to help heal you. I am looking forward to it since I had the same thing done right before my first transplant from Kelly Todd's father. It was an experience then, and I know it will be moving this time as well. I 'm hoping this round works, so I can get back to work asap. My life's calling is though my job, and i dont know what my purpose is other than to help heal others if I am not physically able to do it. This whole thing just doesnt make sense.

Our Lady of Guadalupe

I fell in love with Our Lady of Guadalupe when I was living in Las Cruces, NM as a travel nurse for 6 months back in 2003. The story of Juan Duego and her apparition is soulful. I carry Our Lady's rosary beads in my luggage when I travel, and I have a small, silver statue in my car for safe passage. I slaved over this piece trying to get it "just right," in order to pay tribute to the mericful Mother.

and more...

http://www.kidney.org/atoz/atozItem.cfm?id=28

more helpful info

http://www.mywhatever.com/cifwriter/library/mortals/mort2513.html

CIDP info

I found a web site today that had rich amounts of information about CIDP, including forums for personal discussion (message boards). The msg boards were more helpful than anything I've read on the internet thus far. I dont know how to approximate success vs failure stories, as it appears that the people who are doing "fine", arent posting to the site. From what I HAVE read, this an unforgiving disease, and many people dont have much quality of Life. http://www.gbsfi.com Each person reacts differently to treatment, and there doesnt seem to be any indicators as to how a person will, or will not, respond. So far, I have not responded to increased steroids and the initial dosing of IVIG. Combined with looking at end-stage renal failure once again in the near future, as I have 25% renal function, left... I dont doubt what my course of action will be when faced. Absolutely nothing. This party is going to end for good soon... just a matter of time.

Mermaid Art

A pink-haired mermaid for your viewing pleasure available in my ebay store!

kindness of strangers

I am in awe at the kindness and empathy from strangers.... I never realized how many people out there are suffering and can relate to hardship, without having gone through exact circumstances. Why is it that some people have TOO much of a clue, and some people dont have any?

legs

Walking was a tad better today, although not by much. If I had to go back to work today, it would be a no-go. I'm about to do my 2nd set of exercises for the day. On Wednesday, it will be 2 weeks since the last day of IVIG.... as Rafael mentioned this morning. I'm curious as to how long it will take to work... This condition seems to be very rare, and there isnt a whole lot on the internet about it... but I DID find the CIDP Foundation treatment page. I'm going to print it out to take to my next appointment. It's weird looking at the world from a disabled person's view... everything is an obstacle and tripled effort. I dont know how Christopher Reeves did it.

New art

I actually sketched this one several years ago, and finally got around to painting it over the last few weeks. Talk about procrastination..... enjoy.

my art & photos on FLICKR

Something new in place of my own web site! Art and photo albums on FLICKR. (I'm trying to stay occupied....) Here's the link, and I'll add this same link on the sidebar of this blog to make it easy.... http://www.flickr.com/photos/76465532@N00/

word from the doctor

I spoke with Dr Kiely this afternoon, and I can either go to the emergency room this weekend, should things get worse, or I can hold out over the weekend and begin outpatient treatments next week. I also need to get a second opinion. Walking is very difficult, and my balance is way off... it seems like the IV medicine didnt do any good when I was in the hospital. I have zero energy, and my arms are getting more numb today. My body is a mess.

ebay store link

http://stores.ebay.com/Folk-Art-Blonde-Gallery_W0QQsspagenameZMEQ3aFQ3aSTQQtZkm

Politically inspired...

Day of the Dead Art

Just a few details about Day of the Dead in Mexico.... its a 3-day holiday starting on November 2nd when families celebrate the lives of the dearly departed. Skeleton candies, handmade crafts, parades, parties, personal shrines, lots of food that their loved one used to like... etc, are all part of this happy occasion. Here's my latest ACEO of a lady skeleton eating a taco. Her favorite food!

3 new paintings

1 ACEO and 2 8x10's. Frida Kahlo, Star Dust Angel, and Best Friends.... in my store on ebay!

3rd ACEO

2nd ACEO

Here's my second ACEO....

available on eBay, and the price is right! Day of the Dead art is gaining popularity... grab it while you can.

1st ACEO

Managed to complete my first ACEO ever. She reminds me of my old best friend, Kim.

"Sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

eBay

I've spent all morning revising my auction presentations, and they are looking so much better! Just need to redo some of the scanned pictures, and i'll be done. My eyes are cross-eyed, so that can wait for next weekend. Gotta get going!

Just in!

Both of my earlier "Friends" pieces were bought before they ever went to auction! Let's hope this one does, too. Very cute! For sale on eBay.... to the highest bidder! 5 new pieces listed since last night. More coming...

Anniversary

Today is my 12th year 2nd kidney transplant anniversary. God bless the young man who gave me Life for this long.

My Life on Video

I completed a really fun project today... something I've been wanting to do since my ex-boyfriend's little sister emailed me her video of her baby daughter. I finally got the pictures squared away today, and finished my production. I love it!
Amy's Life...

Relaxing Weekend

We just got home from Nancy's. She invited us over for an amazing dinner! Still stuffed from 2 helpings of lasagna, and am about ready for a serious siesta. The J - O - B starts in the morning. I got everything done but laundry. Who cares... dinner was superb!

PayPal Scam Alert!!!

Myself, and (so far) 5 other sellers are the victims of an ongoing PayPal scam! We just got the notices today, and over the past week or 2. PayPal says it could take up to 30 days for this to be resolved. I know thieves and liars never come out on top, so I feel quite sure they will go after him accordingly. Send him to jail, and cut off his %^%#$#!!!! What a big headache! I just opened my new ebay store: Folk-Art-Blonde Gallery yesterday! How fun is that?!? I'm glad I got all the computer work out of the way, so that now I can just focus on listing and creating new art before I start my new job on Monday. I have a post-offer health assessment tomorrow, and if that goes well... I officially get the final offer. Yay! I just stuck my Angel Trumpets outside on the deck to soak up the sunshine, and they are growing so fast I really cant believe it. New green little shoots everywhere. I'll be glad to have some shade on the deck this summer for a change. It just bakes out there! Rafael will be home soon.... I miss him and cant wait to see him. Cozmo misses him, too. Nancy came over yesterday afternoon, and we hung out - good times, good times. More later....

Things are popping along

Aside from being blind-sided by someone whom I thought was a very close friend this past week, I've had a very good week. It always amazes me that my first impression when I meet new people is always right. If I only would listen..... Anyway, I'm starting to finish a lot of new pieces in my studio, and I've got about 8 half-done ones that I'm working on. Sometimes I think I have ADD. :) I'll try and stay undiagnosed as long as I possibly can......lol "Eve" is finally done! I have Dianne's Batchelorette party tonight, and we are going to visit Rafael's Mom on Sunday. Cozmo the bulldog is snoring so loud right now he sounds like a freight train! That dog sleeps almost 24 hours a day! I'm off to play...